learning to walk

There is a concept in international development called leapfrogging. An example of this phenomenon is a country with good cell phone infrastructure, but few landlines. This country is said to have skipped an "inferior" or unnecessary stage of development. Leapfrogging is lauded as a way for developing countries to "catch up" or avoid more environmentally harmful developmental stages that industrialized countries have gone through. It proposes that the trajectory of development set forth by industrialized countries is not necessary or implicit for the global south.

But, I am not writing this to bore you with development theory (because, oh wait, I've already done that). This is more personal, so please stick with me. For me, coming to Pader, a rural district in a tenuous post-conflict region of northern Uganda, was leapfrogging. There were several steps in my own life and career trajectory that I was skipping and these steps were not “inferior” or unnecessary to my growth. I didn't know that this was what I was doing; all I knew was that I wanted to be here so badly. I wanted to be in Uganda, studying and experiencing public health and development, acting in solidarity with social justice. I chose to put myself in a situation that I wasn’t developmentally ready for, without respect for my own limitations. I wanted to be someone who could risk it all, adapt completely, and succeed against all odds, but the reality is, I am human, and by that I mean: hopelessly flawed.

I am leaving Pader this week. My reasons are complex, but the abridged version is that I was not prepared for the intensity of this placement. There are plenty of other, more logistical, issues, but they are not important anymore. I am being offered an alternative position at an NGO in Kampala, Uganda, which I am grateful and excited for. I am thrilled that I will have the opportunity to live and work in Kampala and get to know that city. I know that I will continue to learn a lot.

I have absolutely nothing against Pader or the work I have been doing here. I have infinite respect for the people I met and worked with, for the people who shared their stories with me, and for the organization I worked with, which is doing amazing and brave work under extraordinarily difficult circumstances. I am not going to pretend that my short month in Pader made any impact whatsoever on anyone but myself; I only hope that I did not do more harm than good. Even that, I cannot be sure of. I have only gratitude for this experience, which allowed me to learn things about myself that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I am indebted to those who supported me through this experience and my ultimate decision to leave: my coworkers, AJWS staff, other volunteers here in Uganda and Kenya, my professors and mentors at home, my friends and classmates all over the world (shout out to Cameron in Ethiopia!), and my family.

It is easy for me to look at my experience thus far as a failure, but I am making a conscious choice not to do that (a choice that I have to recommit myself to basically everyday and sometimes every hour). This was a learning opportunity and a stepping-stone on my path that, until now, was looking far too linear. More than that, it was an exercise in patients, understanding, and compassion. When I think of Pader, as I imagine that I will often, I will think of it as a place that allowed me to know myself better. For that, I can only be appreciative and humble.

Leapfrogging, in international development and in life, is possible. People tell stories of babies that walk without crawling, or speak sentences without ever uttering a word before. But this has never been my personal reality. I trudged through each stage of development, sometimes painfully. This experience has proven no different. I must allow myself to learn to walk before I can run.

Kampala will teach me how to walk; I am ready to learn.