I don't know what will happen if I let myself ask the questions that lurk beneath the surface: What roles do I play in oppression? How do I benefit from global inequities? Why can't I do more (what aren't I doing more)? What is my responsibility to individuals? to populations? Is my very being here in Uganda and my chosen career in public health part of a broken system that depends on inequality? Is my deference to structural inequities a copout? And why do I have no reaction at all to many of the injustices I see on a daily basis? There are no answers really, only more questions.
It's hard to describe the day to day experiences here. Although I love Uganda, love my work (most days), and do not wish to be anywhere else, there are a lot of times when I feel wholly disconnected, unmoved, and stagnant. Confronted with poverty, desperation, and injustice, I am surprised and ashamed at how little I feel at all. I am a witness to a lot of things that before I only suspected might exist. Seeing these things as a reality has left me numb. My reactions are intellectual, sociological, philosophical, and routed in development theory, but not fundamentally human.
I am left with an overall feeling of powerlessness, discontentment, and fear, followed quickly by shame. I should care about individuals, be moved by their plights, and excited to make a difference, even if it's just a small difference. Instead I am left with one looming, disempowering thought: Helping people is not enough. Nothing I can do will ever be enough; and one startling, insurmountable challenge: I don't want to help people, I want to change the world.
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